Albel and the Toaster
by A Random Little Person
Summary: A response to the challenge fics on Sorceressmyst's profile. Involving Albel, Peppita a toaster, and of course, Nel. Will be AlbelxNel.
1. I have to marry a toaster?

Disclaimer: I don't own anything. If I did do you really think I'd be needing to write such stories?

Albel hated being woken early. If he was to rise before dawn, he was always grouchy for the rest of the day. Well, more grouchy than usual, anyway. He also had bed hair, and he hated that as well. All of this explained why he was now heading towards the sacred chapel in Aquaria's castle. He just really needed to destroy something. And since he didn't believe in Apris anyway, he couldn't see the harm in wrecking a few statues in the church while the others slept.

He was just placing his finishing touches on his work of art (being the pile of rubble on the ground that was once a statue of Apris), when he heard a shrill voice in his ear.

"Watcha doin' Albel?" the voice said, reverberating in his ear.

Albel looked down to where the voice came from. It was, to his horror, Peppita.

"Leave me alone, worm," he growled at her.

"And what will ya do if I don't wanna?" Peppita replied, flashing a smile the man who was currently trying to kill her with looks alone.

"I'll kill you mag-"

"Nah uh" Peppita said cutting him off mid sentence. "Cause otherwise I'll tell everyone that it was you who destroyed the statue.

"Oh yeah, how are you going to prove that, fool?" Albel said, smirking down at the peppy little girl.

"With this bit of the mess you made," Peppita said with a giggle.

Quick as a flash, the little girl ran to the rubble pile, and grabbed a piece of the rubble, and held it out for Albel to examine.

"See? It's got your name engraved in it," Peppita said, dancing back out of range of Albel's claw.

"Dammit! I knew doing that was a bad idea," Albel muttered to himself. "Fine worm, I let you escape from here with your life, and you give me back that," he said, pointing to the piece of rubble firmly gripped in her hand.

"No way!" Peppita exclaimed. "I've got something else in mind, if you don't want me to tell Fayt what you've been up to."

"Bah! What is it, fool?" Albel said, glancing down at the girl, looking as if he would like nothing more that to squash her under his boot.

"Come with me," Peppita said, grabbing Albel's chain around his neck and dragging him along behind her.

Peppita pulled Albel along to one of the back rooms off the temple, and Albel found himself looking down at the tied up figure of the head priest from the temple. The poor man was also gagged, and looked like he had taken a few to many blows to the head.

"Why have you brought me here, maggot?" Albel said, putting every bit of evil he could into the glare he sent in Peppita's direction.

"Because of this!" Peppita announced proudly, grabbing something from over at the doorway.

Albel looked own at the object Peppita held. It was a shiny metal box, with two rectangular holes, and a few knobs. Albel raised an eyebrow at it, then snorted.

"And what is that supposed to be, fool?" Albel said, looking down his nose at the girl.

"This," Peppita said with a dramatic pause, "is a toaster!"

(Insert cricket chirps here)

Albel just stared blankly at the silver- haired girl.

"Well, anyway, Mirage gave it to me and told me to use it as I best saw fit. And so I figured, seeing as how much you love your shiny arm and sword, this toaster would make the perfect wife for you." Peppita said, looking up at the crimson- eyed man.

Albel looked down at the girl with a dangerous glint in his eye that basically said exactly what he was thinking.

"And how does the priest fit into this?" Albel said to Peppita, with a tone that would make anyone in earshot flee in fear of their life. Unfortunately for Albel, Peppita seemed to be immune to his threats.

"Well, someone has to marry the two of you," Peppita said, smiling up at the man who looked like he would enjoy nothing more than tearing the young girl to shreds.

"Marriage!" Albel shouted, "Are you crazy? Why are you doing this to me? What is to stop me from tearing you to bits right now? Don't I have a say in whom or what I'm going to marry? Worm" he added at the end or good measure.

"Well, in the answer to all your questions," Peppita said, "No, because I'm bored, because I'll tell everyone it was you who wrecked the statue and finally… I guess if you can find someone else to marry you by sundown, you don't have to marry the toaster."

At this time, the priest was starting to regain consciousness, and when he saw Albel he started to become panicky, and tried to squirm away.

"Oh no you don't!" Peppita exclaimed leaping on the poor priest. You've got to stay here, unless you agree to marry Albel and his chosen, or the toaster."

The priest began nodding enthusiastically, agreeing to whatever was said. He really just wanted to get out of the storage room, and would have agreed to someone saying he was really a furry green gorilla.

"Right, then it's settled," Peppita said. "I'll let you go now, but only if you come back to marry Albel and the toaster at sunset.

"I will NOT be marrying a toaster," Albel said, his face turning slightly red from anger.

AN: stay tuned for the next chapter, in which Albel has to try to find his wife. Don't forget to write a review. All flames will be used to warm my milk for breakfast.


	2. A repulsive brown lump

Disclaimer: I don't own anything. If I did, there would be no need for AlbelxNel fan fiction, because that is what Star Ocean would have been about.

Albel realised he was screwed. He had two choices- marry a toaster, or find a woman to marry instead. Frankly, he didn't want to do either, but at the moment, the toaster was looking like the better choice. Every woman he had passed on the way back to his room had run away as soon as they saw him coming, so he doubted whether they would be able to make eye contact with him, let alone play with Peppita's game and pretend to marry him.

That left Albel with very few choices as to who was to take the place of the toaster. The only women who didn't try to commit suicide to escape his presence were those who were travelling with Fayt. Albel guessed there were males as well he could ask, but that idea made him very queasy. And Albel the Wicked hated feeling queasy. Albel decided that left him with four options of people to ask to help (he really didn't want to use that word if he could avoid it) him escape his impending doom brought on by Peppita's madness.

The first was that blue haired worm who had arrived on Elicoor in the big shiny ship that he now knew was called the Diplo. He dismissed this idea as soon as it popped up in head. The blue- haired worm had too much fondness for that weapon she had that shot bright beams out of it. Albel really didn't want to have her shooting at him, which was what he thought was most likely to happen if he were to ask her. The next person that came to mind was the tall blonde worm. Albel dwelled upon this for a moment, but then realised that her partner, the big knuckle- headed maggot might object to her pretending to marry him. He really didn't want to be forced to cause more damage to a creature with the same intelligence level as the statue he had destroyed. The third person he came to mind, he decided was a mush better choice. The fool with the big eyes- he thought her name might have start with a C- or possibly an S, he really didn't pay too much attention to minor details like that.

Albel walked the short distance from his room to hers then, if she was going to do him a favour, decided to knock on the door. When there was no answer, he decided to poke around and see if there was anything he could use to blackmail her into pretending to be his wife in this deranged game of Peppita's.

He opened the door and walked into the room to see Sophia standing there with her back to him. _Huh… _he thought_, she didn't answer the door. Oh well, better get this over with._

"Hey, worm," Albel called to Sophia in the least threatening voice he could manage. (Which would have made small animals die on the spot)

Sophia didn't even move, much to Albel's surprise. He walked around to face her, and found her staring straight ahead, with a smile on her face. Albel raised one hand and waved it in front of her face. She didn't even blink. Confused, Albel used one hand to push her in between the eyes. Sophia fell over backwards and lay prone on the ground, with the same dopey smile on her face.

"Ooookay," Albel said, slightly freaked out by this. He backed slowly out of the room, stepping on Sophia's face in the process, which didn't even cause her to blink an eyelid.

Albel was definitely thinking that the toaster was a very good option, but he thought it might ruin his image if anyone saw the (fake) wedding pictures. Back in his room, Albel realised that left him with only one option. He would have to ask Nel Zelpher to marry him.

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In the meantime….

The priest was still lying in the back storage room in the temple, with Peppita standing guard over him.

"I thought you were going to let me go," the poor man said to Peppita.

Peppita thought about it for a moment before answering, "Oh, alright. But only if you promise to try my new invention. I made it all by myself."

Peppita went to a dark corner and pulled out a misshaped object.

"Duh da da da DA!" she said revealing the object she was holding for the priest to examine. "I call it a… repulsive brown lump. I cooked it all by myself."

The priest looked at it in horror and decided he would rather stay tied up and painted with bright pink spots.

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In the meantime, Albel was trying to come up with reasons of why it was not a good idea to ask Nel to pretend to marry him. Of which he could find none. He decided he would just have to go and ask her. And it was probably better that he do this sooner than later, because she may take lots of convincing, he thought. But she did owe him a favour for letting them escape from the Kirlsa training facility. But if worst came to worst, he would just knock her out, tie her up, and drag her to the temple. Peppita had never said the person had to be willing, he thought to himself. (Insert Albel's evil laughter here)

AN: Thanks to all the people who reviewed the other chapter, I was surprised at how fast I got this one done. Hopefully the third chapter will be up soon, in which Albel will ask Nel to pretend to marry him. In the meantime don't forget to review my fic. All flames will be used to cook my dinner on.


	3. Albel the Hen

Disclaimer: I don't own anything. If you think I do, contact me for the number of a good mental asylum.

He knew he just had to do it. He had to ask Nel to marry him. Well, at least to pretend to, in the twisted game that Peppita was playing. He wasn't sure that she would actually agree to marry him, but that was why he was doing his current activity. He was carving a wooden club to use to knock her out if she didn't agree. He just hoped she would stay unconscious until sundown, because he didn't have a backup plan. Albel put the final touches on his wooden club, and then set off in search of Nel.

He found her, thankfully alone in her rooms. He thought it was probably best to knock on her door, as he was going to knock her out with a wooden club. He didn't need her to be any more pissed off then what he knew she was already going to be.

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Nel was not happy when she heard an insistent rapping on her bedroom door. She had been up late working the night before, and the last thing she needed right now was to be woken up early. Consequently, she was already in a bad mood when she opened her door. Her mood got even worse when she saw who had the audacity to stand there at her door knocking. It was Albel Nox. Nel thought her day was definitely on a downward spiral.

"Can I come in?" Albel said, before Nel even had time to demand to know what he was doing outside her room.

"What? Aren't you going to add the obligatory maggot on the end?" Nel asked him, as he barged his way into her room, closing the door behind him.

"Well, what do you want? Hurry up and spit it out Nox, I haven't got all day," Nel snapped at him.

To her amazement, Albel looked at her sheepishly and she swore she could see a faint hint of redness in his cheeks, as if he was blushing.

"IneedyoutomarrymesoIdon'thavetomarryatoaster," Albel blurted out, his mouth getting ahead of his brain. He tried again, "I need you to pretend to marry me, or else Peppita has threatened to marry me to this metal box she calls a toaster."

Nel just stared at him.

"What, have I grown a second head again?" Albel asked her after she did not say a word.

Nel came out of her silence to say, "You must really want me to do this bad, you haven't once called me a maggot, worm of fool." She paused and thought for a moment before adding, "Anyway how is she making you do this? I can't see her making Albel the Wicked do anything he didn't want to… unless she had something to blackmail you with."

At this, Albel turned away, and could not meet her eye.

Nel sighed and said, her tone getting an edge of steel, "What have you done anyway?"

Still Albel did not say a word.

Nel thought quickly before saying, "Fine, I'll play along with this game, but only if you tell me what you have done, or…….. go up to Lasselle and cluck like a chicken."

"Bah," Albel spat in response and stalked off.

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The priest had finally escaped from the store room Peppita was holding him prisoner in. He was heading back to his room to lock himself in his wardrobe and hide from the rest of the world, when he saw none other than Albel the Wicked clucking like a hen at the queen's adviser. The priest decided he had taken one too many blows to the head and was hallucinating. This was definitely not his day. He turned and ran in the other direction.

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Lasselle stared in shock at Albel as he humiliated himself. For about the only time in his life, Lasselle was rendered speechless. After all, it wasn't every day a mass murderer came up to you and acted as if he was about to lay an egg.

Albel couldn't believe he'd actually do this to get out of marrying a toaster. But, he'd rather do this than tell Nel he had destroyed a statue of her god because he was bored. He really didn't want to be killed today, then brought back to life and killed another few hundred times. Lasselle was an idiot anyway, and it was doubtful that anyone would believe him anyway. But just to make sure, Albel knocked him out with the club he had made earlier that morning. He left Lasselle in the corridor where he had found him. Albel doubted anyone would notice or care that Lasselle was missing.

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"Noooooooooo," the priest moaned, quivering in fear. Peppita had found him.

"You liar! You promised you wouldn't try to escape if I untied you," Peppita said, shaking her finger in his face. "Well I guess it's back to the storage room with you."

Peppita grabbed the priest by the back of his shirt and proceeded to drag him down the corridor and back to the storage room, while the priest cried out in vain for anyone to save him.

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Albel returned to Nel after completing his task. On the way back to her room he heard screaming and saw Peppita dragging the priest along behind her. He heard her saying to him-

"Alright, now you've done it!' she said to the priest, "you're coming with me to be tarred and feathered!"

Albel just shook his head, and pushed open the door to Nel's room. He knew she wasn't going to be happy, now she had to pretend to marry him. With a sigh and a muttered curse under his breath, he entered. They had preparations to make, and he didn't want anyone to know he was marrying his attractive enemy. Wait… did he just think Nel was attractive? Albel thought he must be seriously stressed, to think the beautiful Aquarian Crimson Blade was attractive. Then Albel realised he had just thought she was beautiful. He tried to gather his thought, when he realised he had been staring at Nel for the past five minutes. Albel decided some of the silver- haired worm's insanity had rubbed off on him.

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Clair watched as Albel slipped into Nel's room. She had always thought there might have been something between the two former enemies, and had tried to give them a push in the direction towards each other. She thought her latest scheme was brilliant, and convincing Peppita to take part in it gave it the naivety she had been hoping for. Clair chuckled to herself, and walked off. She had a wedding to prepare for Nel and Albel.

AN: Yay! I finally finished this chapter. Thanks to all the people that have been reading and reviewing my fic. I hope to have the fourth chapter up soon, in which the wedding will probably take place. Please review this chapter, tell me what you liked and what you didn't, I always appreciate feedback. Until next time…


	4. The Fake Wedding

Disclaimer; I don't own anything. If I did I would be rolling in my money, not writing fan fiction.

Nel didn't really know why she agreed to take part in Albel's wedding to the toaster. He was her sworn enemy, and yet, she had to admit that she found him somewhat attractive. Well, she decided, irresistible was more the word. Dammit! Why must her mind betray her like this, she ranted silently. Her musing was interrupted by Clair entering her room. Nel decided she really didn't like the look on Clair's face. It was the look Adray got on his face when he tried to match Clair up with potential suitors. Nel decided she really had waited too long to get that window installed in her room to jump out of.

"Oh Nel, I've got something for you, for the upcoming event that you decided to participate in," Clair said, with a sly smile on her face.

At this point, Nel was desperately looking for a place to escape, and answered distractedly, "Yeah, what?"

"This!" Clair exclaimed, unfurling the bundle she carried in her arms. It was a wedding dress.

"How did you find out about that!" said Nel, now furious.

"Well, I wouldn't be much of a spy if I didn't know what my best friend was up to. But I will keep quiet about his event if you let me attend it. I'll leave you to try that on, I'm sure it will fit," Clair called out as she left the room, not waiting for an answer.

Nel took a look at the wedding dress she had been left holding. To say it was beautiful would have been an understatement. It was white silk with a tight- fitting bodice that flowed loosely down her legs to pool about her feet. The whole dress was adorned with tiny pearls that formed intricate patterns. It was a simple, yet elegant design. Nel sighed, knowing that she would have to wear the dress and let Clair attend her fake wedding, if she didn't want anyone in the castle or the whole of the kingdom to find out that she had pretended to wed Albel the Wicked. Nel really didn't want to find out what a scandal that would cause.

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In the meanwhile, the priest was having a very difficult time removing the feathers that Peppita had stuck to him. He had managed to escape by jumping out the window while Peppita had turned her back to get the pink paint she had planned on using on him next. In jumping out the window, he had broken his leg, but he much preferred that than staying with the deranged little girl. The priest just managed to get the last of the tar and feathers off, when he glanced up to see Peppita grinning manically at him.

"Come on," she said dragging him off by his leg. "It's time to help Albel choose out an outfit for the wedding."

At this comment, the priest dug his fingers into the floor. He could see the scratch marks they made as he was dragged off by the young girl. He really, REALLY did not want to help pick out an outfit for Albel the Wicked. He might be decapitated. At that thought the priest brightened. He might manage to escape Peppita that way.

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Albel stared with disgust at the thing that was held up in front of him. For the past half hour he had been subjected to looking at the outfits that Peppita had picked out for him to wear. They were all hideous lurid colours that Albel would never been seen wearing.

Finally Peppita held up a demure black robe that was worn by Airyglyphan nobility on formal occasions.

"That's the one," Albel growled, resting his head in his hands.

"Are you sure?" Peppita asked. "You'd look so much nicer in this." She held up a fluoro green piece of material.

Albel didn't bother with a response. He grabbed the black robe from Peppita's hand and stalked off, letting loose a stream of expletives under his breath.

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It was now time for the thing Albel was dreading the most. The Wedding. He was waiting nervously (not that he'd willingly admit that) at the altar for Nel to appear. If she didn't he would be forced to marry a toaster, whatever that was.

To his relief, Nel appeared, albite a few minutes late. His relief was soon lessened when he was she had brought the grey haired worm with her. Nel walked up to him, and whispered to him-

"I couldn't help it. Clair blackmailed me."

Albel suddenly realised what Nel was wearing and his jaw nearly hit the floor. She looked beautiful, and Albel found himself speechless. Nel took her place by him at the altar. She decided Albel didn't look too bad either.

"Let's just get this over with, so everyone can get to their lives and pretend this fake wedding never happened." Albel growled at the priest, while glaring down at the smiling Peppita who was jumping from foot to foot.

The priest quickly began the rites, in fear of his own life.

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Nel and Albel were both very relieved when the ceremony was over.

"We can finally get back to our lives," Nel said with a sigh of relief.

"Well, actually.." Clair said with a wicked smile that Albel would have found hard to contend with. "Maybe you should ask the priest about that one."

Albel and Nel turned to where the priest had been standing, only to see him running for his life in the distance.

Clair smiled. "Oh well, I guess I'll have to fill you in myself. You see, as there was a witness, me, and the ceremony was performed by a qualified priest, you are officially married to each other."

Nel and Albel just stared at her in a mixture of disbelief, horror and anger. Clair just smiled back at them.

Nel found her voice. "So, this was your plan all along, not Peppita's."

"No," Clair interjected. "It was my father's. It got him off my back for a while, planning this. Well, I'm off, have fun on the honeymoon."

Clair walked off with Peppita, leaving Albel and Nel alone.

"Oh well," said Albel "Might as well make the best of a bad situation." He pulled Nel into a passionate kiss before she could object.

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Clair informed her father that everything had gone as planned.

"Good!" exclaimed Adray. "And in that time, I've found someone for you to marry. It's a kettle!" Adray said with much enthusiasm.

Clair seized the offending item and threw it out the window. It hit the priest and knocked him out cold, which was probably the nicest thing that had happened to him all day.

THE END

AN: Yay! I finally finished the story! Thanks to all my reviewers and to Blue Trillium who was my most frequent reviewer. I have some plans for some more AlbelxNel stories if I don't get distracted in the meantime. Don't forget to review this chapter. All feedback is appreciated, but flames will be used to dry my washing over.


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